For as long as he remembered he was never called anything but Pudgy or Buddy. Except for his mom. She called him by his given name, Bobby. But she was gone. Her ashes were sprinkled in a valley out past Highway 19, under a weeping willow tree. Sometimes he’d get his dad to take him out there, so he could sit under that tree and let the long branches hide him away. The leaves would brush his face and it reminded him of his mom’s touch. It made him really sad to do it, but he couldn’t help it, he loved sitting under the tree, in the quiet, in his secret world. His dad would sometimes sit with him, but most times he’d sit in his car, stare out at the mountains, and wait for Pudgy to return.
Pudgy had given his dad a fishing pole for his birthday, from money he saved making sourdough bread, all by himself he’d shaped the loaves, and then on his bicycle, he’d taken them to the coffee shop down the road and left them there to sell. They’d all sold by the next day, and he’d pocketed the cash just long enough to get his dad the gift. He bought himself a pole, too, and some extra line and sinkers, and a box of hooks. He knew a good spot to dig for worms, out behind the garage. He’d never been fishing, but he heard Jeremy and Paul talking about it at school a month ago. They went fishing with their dads every other Sunday.
Every Sunday, Pudgy leaned his own pole against the front door, as a hopeful hint that his dad would ask him to go fishing. But he hadn’t. Instead his dad had put Bobby’s cane pole in his closet with his own, and said, “Let’s get these out of the way for now, okay Buddy?” The poles stayed side-by-side, along with the khaki slacks and white shirts, and shiny shoes.
Pudgy was thinking about the pole, and his mom, while cooking his dad dinner. He was only eleven, but he had been cooking by himself for two years. He stirred the fontina and cheddar cheese mix into the macaroni noodles. He had to use noodles from a box, since he’d forgotten to ask his dad for real noodles. The dried pack of cheese from the box he sprinkled into his mouth as he worked, until the foil pack was empty. He’d only meant to taste a bit of it on his tongue. Once the cheeses were stirred in with butter and cream, he poured it into the white baking dish, sprinkled bread crumbs on top, and placed it in the oven to bake at three hundred and fifty degrees for forty minutes.
For a salad, he tore the lettuce into bite-sized pieces, and put them in the yellow salad bowl. It was his mom’s favorite bowl, that’s what she’d always said. He’d given it to her for Christmas, from money he made selling apple cakes. She’d helped him bake the cakes, but he went to all the neighbor’s houses until all ten of them were sold. The money felt heavy and bulgy in his pockets, and when he’d gone to J. C. Penney to buy presents, he’d kept his hand wrapped around the dollar bills, to make sure nothing would happen to them.
He next chopped the red onions, carrots, and tomato, careful not to cut himself. The one time he’d sliced into his index finger and the blood trickled onto the potatoes, his mom had shown him how to chop with his knuckles bent so the knife was guided away from his fingers. She’d been a chef at a restaurant in town, and when she came home, she always smelled like spice. She’d say, “Do it like this, Bobby. Watch.” And then she showed him how to chop, slice, bake, fry, sauté, julienne, and even how to make crème broulet. Whenever he cooked, it felt as if her hands guided him, showed him what to do. In the kitchen was where Pudgy’s mom always stayed. Pudgy thought maybe that’s why his dad sometimes became cross with him, because just like when she was alive, she was in the kitchen with him, more times than she was with his dad. Maybe his dad thought things like that would change once she became a ghost and thought things over. But it hadn’t.
While the casserole baked, Pudgy looked through recipe books. From the kitchen window, out over the valley and the distant mountains, he glanced up to see a group of boys running down to play in the creek. A moment of longing so deep he felt it all the way to his toes slammed against him that he lost his breath, his hand stilled over the page, where a recipe for beef bouganaise and fluffy creamed potatoes was. He imagined himself running out to them, waving and calling, “Hey! Wait for me!”
And they’d stop and wave back. “Hurry up, Bobby. We’re going to catch salamanders in the creek!”
He rose part ways from the counter stool, then sat back down and watched until the boys were out of sight, their shouts becoming faint and distant, too. The other boys were thin and wiry, running quick and easy through town, around the valley, on the playground at recess, and even up the paths and through the woods on the mountains. Pudgy used to be able to keep up, even though he was always bigger than they were. Sometimes the other kids, the ones who didn’t know him, would laugh at him, pointing their dirty fingers at the way he leaned over, huffing and puffing away.
His mom had told him, “Oh Bobby, don’t pay them any mind.” She pushed back the hair that had fallen across his forehead. “I tell you what, let’s both go on a diet. How’s about that?”
“A diet?” He’d turned his head to the side. “What do we have to do?”
“Well…” His mom put her finger to her lips and tapped. Her nails were always short and clean. “We could use low fat cream, for one thing. And maybe try some dishes with more fruit and vegetables.”
“And what about the cakes?” Pudgy’s favorite thing in the world was orange butter cake with lots of real whipped cream.
“We’ll still have it, just not as often.” She smiled down at him. “And we could ride our bikes more, how about that?”
They’d started doing those things, and Pudgy’s pants became looser. His mom cinched in her belt tighter, too, and her chef’s coat had to be altered. But after she died, Pudgy couldn’t stop eating. He ate even when he wasn’t hungry. His dad would get frustrated with him. He’d run his hands through his hair and say, “Buddy, if you don’t stop eating so much, you’ll never lose the weight again. Don’t you want to go play with your friends?”
And Pudgy would want to, he’d want to with a hunger that almost matched the hunger in his stomach, but then the next day he’d bake something delicious, or sauté something with onions and garlic, or pour crème sauce over his vegetables, and forget all about how much fun it would be to play with his friends.
Pudgy heard his dad’s key turn in the lock. He made Pudgy lock it behind him as soon as he got home from school, even though nothing bad ever happened in their little town.
He got up from the stool and hurried to the front door. “Hey, Dad, I’m glad you’re home.”
His dad ruffled his hair. “Me, too, Buddy.”
“I made dinner for us.”
“I smell it, son.” He loosened his tie, and stared down at Pudgy. “I saw some boys down at the creek. Why don’t you go play with them before dinner?”
Pudgy looked down at his Keds, and shrugged.
“Looked like they were having fun. Skipping stones, and raising up quite the racket.”
Pudgy faced his dad again. “Dad?”
He followed behind his dad as his dad began walking to his bedroom, the former guest bedroom which was now his new bedroom. Since Pudgy’s mom had gone, his dad didn’t want to sleep in the same room. Their room became the guest room, even though they hadn’t had any guests in two years, not since all the relatives came from all over to say goodbye to his mom.
Pudgy quickened his steps to keep up. “Dad?”
Without turning, his dad answered, “Yeah, Bud.”
“Can’t we go fishing this Sunday?”
His dad put away his tie, and began taking off his work clothes. Pudgy waited, looking through the open closet door at the poles leaning against the wall. The hooks, and lines, and sinkers were in Pudgy’s bedside table drawer, and the night crawlers were squirming under the dead leaves piled behind the garage, waiting for Pudgy and his dad to dig them up.
“I could make us something to eat so we could stay all day.” Pudgy didn’t move, he kept his body standing tall and straight, so his dad could see how serious he was about the whole thing.
“Fishing, huh?” His dad slipped on his shorts and t-shirt, and then his socks and tennis shoes.
Pudgy nodded, without saying anything. All his words were caught up in his stomach, and he didn’t want to let them out. Seemed like he had so many words in there, he shouldn’t be hungry, but instead, the words made him hungrier.
His dad walked into the closet, and looked up at a box on the top shelf. He rose up on his tiptoes and grabbed the box, lowering it down into his arms. Then, he came back into the room, where Pudgy still stood, looking serious, his stomach full of words. Without talking, his dad sat the box on the bed, opened it, and looked inside.
Pudgy couldn’t help himself, he stopped standing stiff, but still looking serious, he walked over, and looked inside the box, too. “What is it, Dad?”
“Some of your mother’s things.” His dad stuck his hand in the box, and pulled out a photo of he and Pudgy’s mom, standing shoulder to shoulder, smiling into the camera. “This is the day we found out she was pregnant with you.”
“She’s skinny there.” Pudgy touched his mom’s face.
“But not any prettier than she was before she left us, isn’t that right?”
“Sure is, Dad.” Pudgy felt the words loosening in his stomach. “Dad?”
“Yeah, Buddy.”
“It wasn’t your fault, you know. Accidents happen all the time.”
Pudgy watched two wet spots appear on the photo, and then two more. They splattered, then dribbled down the image of his mom and dad, and onto the bedspread. His dad looked at Pudgy, right into his eyes, not down at the top of his head, or over his left shoulder, but green eyes to green eyes. Pudgy noticed just right then that he had the same eyes as his dad.
“It happened so fast.”
Pudgy took the photo and put it back in the box. He riffled around and found another one, this one of the three of them out by the creek, having a picnic. They’d set the timer and his dad had slipped on the grass twice trying to get back to them before the camera flashed. “Remember this, Dad?”
“Yes.” His dad sat on the bed, and patted the spot beside him.
Pudgy sat, and let the words in his stomach shift and erupt some more. “You tried real hard to save her.”
“But it was too late.”
“The ice was too slippery, wasn’t it, Dad?” Pudgy sat real still and waited to see what his dad would say next.
“It was. I tried to control the car, but it wouldn’t stop spinning. And then the next I remember, we were over the side, and against the walnut tree. And your mother…” Pudgy’s dad put his head in his hands, and through his fingers said, “And your mother, I tried to give her my breath. She could have all my breath so she’d live, and I’d go, but it was too late. Too late.”
That next Sunday, Pudgy let the rest of all the words that had been trapped in his stomach come out. He let them bubble right out of his stomach and out into the air. His dad showed him how to hook the worm, and then cast out his line. And with Pudgy’s stomach emptied of words, he didn’t feel so hungry anymore.